Losing Flint

spring_logo_250‘I remember waking up in recovery and I just felt numb…’

It was June 14th 2010 when my world fell apart and changed forever. After experiencing a course of IVF treatment which we funded ourselves as there was no funding available, I was delighted to discover I was pregnant after our first course of treatment. I was apprehensive until I reached the twelve week stage. After having the twelve week scan it became more real and friends and family became excited offering to buy items for our forthcoming bundle. But on June 14th 2010 I was rushed to Poole Hospital with a placenta abruption and was told to try and deliver the baby naturally. After at least twelve hours with very little happening and discovering I had a massive internal bleed requiring numerous blood transfusions I was rushed in to theatre for an emergency hysterotomy.  

I remember waking up in recovery and I just felt numb. I didn’t know what to say. My mum then told me I had delivered a baby boy. After being transferred to the high dependency unit where I received one to one care from the midwives who were terrific, I was asked if I wanted to see my baby. I made the decision to see him. Following a conversation with my local vicar, he came to do a blessing. My little boy was brought to me in a moses basket wrapped in a blanket. I was shocked at how formed he was. He had tiny hands and feet and he was beautiful and looked perfect.

I was discharged from hospital a few days later, but grateful that I had been able to stay in the SPRING Suite which is a real asset to the maternity unit for people unfortunate to be in a similar situation. I felt I was given the privacy I needed and it was comforting to know my partner was able to stay with me. The hospital gave me photos of my baby boy along with his hand and foot prints and his blanket and teddy bear. I was so grateful and made my own memory box.

The next step was to arrange our service at Bournemouth Crematorium where Flint is laid to rest in the Butterfly Garden with the other angels. Initially, when I first lost Flint I felt had to travel the twelve miles daily to visit the Butterfly Garden as I felt a huge amount of guilt if I didn’t. I felt like I was letting him down. People told me things would get easier and they do, although at the time I was unable to believe this. I have now learnt to cope with my loss and now visit every two months.

Following my traumatic experience I chose to organise a charity auction which was well supported by friends, family the SPRING team as well as the Local MP Annette Brookes. I was successful in raising just over £4000. After careful consideration the decision was made to allow this money to be used for further training to help SPRING continue to offer such a fantastic service.

I am pleased to say I am currently 28 weeks pregnant. However, it has certainly been an emotional roller coaster. I have utilised the SPRING counselling services to assist me through this worrying time. I have a fantastic support network of family and friends who have been tremendous. I felt I could breathe a sigh of relief once I had gone beyond the stage I reached in my last pregnancy and the comfort of feeling the baby move really helps. The maternity unit have been very supportive offering ultrasound scans and consultant appointments every four weeks which I have found to be very reassuring too.

My current partner is very understanding as it was a previous relationship when I lost my special baby boy. A point I would like you to take from reading my story, as difficult as it has been losing Flint and the apprehension of my current pregnancy, but one piece of advice is to talk about your emotions and if you feel you are unable to do this with your partner, family or friends there are services available.

During this pregnancy I have been scared if I brought anything for the baby it would jinx my pregnancy so I have brought things gradually. I know I won’t relax until I have my baby in my arms and I’m sure anyone who has been in this situation can sympathise with this.