In the aftermath of losing my son I needed to fall pregnant as soon as possible. I wanted to show Finlay that I would have been a good Mum, that he would have been safe with me. Against advice, we started trying straight away and luckily for us, two months later, I have a positive pregnancy test.
The next eight months were far from an easy ride. The hospital were all brilliant and to the staff in ante-natal – my eternal thanks. I had fortnightly checks and was able to pop in to ante-natal to ease any concerns I had.
Because of my anxiety, when they saw my fluid was low I had the steroids to prepare the baby for birth at 28 weeks and CTG’s every other day. This was, in part, to stop me panicking, but it failed abysmally! Nothing much helped. In the end the low fluid seemed to be an anomaly and apart from my fears the pregnancy was easy and everything went perfectly. I was told to chill and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy – easier said than done! Grief, hormones and anxiety are a horrendous combination and fail to create rational thinking.
I wouldn’t get anything ready or prepared and got angry when people would talk about my impending life change with the arrogance all would be ok. They’d talk about the sleepless nights, as if to hear my baby would cry wouldn’t be the sweetest sound I ever heard.
I was induced at 38 weeks and thankfully gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Milly Hope. Paul and I were overjoyed. Life is now amazing. I still have ups and downs; nothing will make us forget Finlay.
Parenthood exceeds my expectations and I can now say I am so grateful to Finlay for the lessons having and knowing him has taught me. I think it has made me a far better mum than I otherwise could have hoped to be. I still miss him every day, but Paul and I consider him to be the cement in our little family. We have learnt who our friends are (good and bad) and know we are incredibly lucky to have our support network.
Pregnancy after stillbirth is so hard, but so worth it. It’s awful losing a baby, really awful, but life is a roller coaster and losing a baby may make the lows lower, but definitely makes the highs higher – the further you fall the higher you bounce!