March 5 2010 changed my life – the day I was told to decide whether to continue my pregnancy or not. Undoubtedly the hardest decision I will ever make (I hope!). Knowing that if my baby survived birth, she would die within a few hours, was all I needed to know to decide that I couldn’t bear to see her in pain just so I could hold her.
I was 24 weeks pregnant when I gave birth to Lucy May, my sleeping angel, on 31 March 2010. Nothing can prepare you for the heartache as I looked at her perfectly formed little face and know that she was never meant for this world.
I was introduced to SPRING and although I didn’t use all their services initially, I always felt reassured just knowing there were people who would listen to me and understand what I was feeling. I often spoke to Gena for advice and reassurance. I used the website to read how other parents had dealt with their loss and this helped me to know I wasn’t alone and wasn’t the only person who felt how I did. In fact I still look at the website even now when I have moments of self-doubt about the decision I made. In time I looked at the photos that had been taken of Lucy by Gina when she was born. I am so very grateful for those few keepsakes.
This year I gave birth to Harry James, my Rainbow Baby! The pregnancy was a difficult time as they couldn’t reassure me that everything would be okay until he was born. Thankfully he is perfect! For months after his birth I would find myself crying with guilt that I was happy, when I thought I should still be mourning Lucy. Since having Harry I have become more actively involved with SPRING and have attended more of the events, either as a helper or just a cake baker! This involvement has helped me balance my feelings of joy at having Harry, but still missing Lucy. This year I intend to go to the Christmas service and spend a few minutes remembering my beautiful baby girl. I like knowing that I can go to these special occasions and spend precious moments remembering my baby girl with other parents who are also remembering their angels.
SPRING helped me at my lowest point with their advice, support, shoulder to cry on and the events they organise but they also supported me to go on and have Harry, and for that I will always be grateful. I have met some of the most wonderful people and despite the awfulness of the situation I will cherish these new bonds. This is why I have decided to become more involved with SPRING to know that I am doing something positive to help other people who suffer a similar experience.